Just another conversation between my BFF Courtney and myself. We’re pretty rad – you better recognize!
B: U should come up here for lunch everyday, and by every day, I mean u should just come work back over here. I’m sure we can open up a spot for an assistant for me. You can just hang out and pick up chicks for me all day. Deal? Great. You start today.
C: sounds like an awesome deal…how much does it pay and can I drink on the job?
B: $100k/yr and duh…
C: Omg..I’m in. Wait does it have dental?
B: Ooohhh…no…it doesn’t, but we do have pet parakeet insurance and free hair extensions on Thursday afternoons.
C: Hell yes! What about nails…I want ones just like “that one chick”
B: There is an extra cost for that, but word on the street is that if you talk in your best ghetto girl voice and are generally accepted as a “ho fo sho”, you can usually get them did for free.
C: or your best white trash/wannabe porn star voice works too..lol
B: Boom shakalaka!
B: See…you could totally be my assistant…we’d get to make fun of people all day long. Not laughing with them. No. LAUGHING AT THEM. Someone has to do it…right?
C: Yes and why shouldn’t we…it spreads cheer ;) with a little sarcasm and misery sprinkled in
B: Exactly…we are like Santa’s elves…except we aren’t short and scary looking and wear weird pointed shoes with bells on them – well, at least not before 11pm…
C: Lol…bells…screw the bells…people should feel our presence not hear it
B: I think there are laws against them feeling our presents…oh wait…you said presence…here I thought I was about to get lucky with some randoms. Crap.
C: Lol… Seriously though…that would be an awesome job
B: I know…right? I kinda want that job now.
C: it would be awesome
B: We should just go be assistants for some D-List celebrities like the cast from Jersey Shore or something. We could totally party it up then. And have killer tan’s!
C: Lol That would the height of awesomeness!!
B: I’m sitting here calculating my new budget/costs for the new place. I’m gonna be RICH! NOT. At least I will have quite a bit more leftover each month though. Gotta start investing it, or spending it on hookers/blow. What do you think?
C: Hookers for sure… Or you could start collecting something…hmmnn. Thinking random Jersey Shore mementos?
B: I could buy a bunch of grenade whistles and sell them out in front of the bars we go to on the weekends? You know, because we have to keep the troops informed before they try to storm the bars…
C: True….or you could sell little figurines of yourself filled with cheap tequila.
B: Yeah, but I don’t wanna be known as the cheap tequila guy…I’m trying to keep my street cred up.
C: Flavor it with Cherry or even better cake batter…people will die for some Cake batter tequila.
B: Fucking BRILLIANT! We can totally hook teenagers on it too and double drain their parents. BOOM!
C: Awesome..I say we just buy a bunch of cake batter ice cream, melt it and add tequila. We can even skimp on the tequila and add some caffeine…damn instant energy drink..with your face on it!
B: Chicks will totally dig that. I’ve got a nice face. Slightly crooked nose, but generally a nice face. My mom is going to be so proud.
C: Lmao….you’re funny duder
B: What is cooler than “awesome”? We are.